Thoughts and things…

December 7, 2013
by mandemonious

A fat girl rants…

Trigger warning: Fat-shaming language, negative body talk, restricting , dieting, cursing and a healthy dose of SMART ASS.

When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m not, I don’t. When I want chips or fried-something, I eat it. When I want salad, I eat that. Current common beliefs seem to hold that someone that is overweight like I am must eat the fried-somethings way more than the salad. I mean, why else would I be fat? It must be because I eat fried things and ice cream all day, everyday while sitting on my ass watching the idiot box. I’m probably not that bright or educated, and likely don’t know a thing about nutrition or health. I probably don’t do much exercise other than lifting the fork, going to the fridge, or ordering takeout. I definitely don’t use my gym membership. If I keep doing what I am doing, I will surely weigh hundreds of pounds in 5 or 10 years and probably die from cheese-clogged arteries.

So, what is a fattie like me to do when I want to lose weight? ‘Cause that is supposed to be my goal, right? To lose weight so I can look good in a bikini when summer comes in 5 months? So, I should probably go on a diet, right? Maybe I should also sign up for some physical program that feels like I am killing myself. Eat less, move more! That is the mantra of a “good girl,” right?

Let’s see, if I lose 2 pounds per week for the next 20 weeks, I should totally hit my goal of looking good in a bikini by summer! I could go in the kitchen right now and dump all my full-fat dairy products and anything with sugar in it. Any simple carbohydrates should definitely go, right? I mean, carbs and sugar are the devil and make you die, says the internet. Continue Reading →

November 9, 2013
by mandemonious
1 Comment

Name of the game: Body Shame

Content Note: Disordered eating, negative self-talk, dieting, restricting

Is there anything I haven’t tried to lose a pound, or an inch, or two? I’ve never had surgery, but I’ve certainly tried scores of diets, dozens of different diet pills, and every exercise video under the sun. I have even tried to talk myself into an eating disorder, more than once. I don’t say that to be funny; I don’t take eating disorders lightly. I really did try. And, when I “failed,” I berated myself for not having enough willpower to starve myself. Talk about disordered thinking…

When I was 12 years old, I moved to a small town in south Georgia. I started my new church before I began my new school and made a friend there that I will call Lisa, who instantly got me pulled into some drama. Lisa was being bullied by a group of girls at our school, so everyone ‘involved’ was called into the school counselor’s office. As a child that moved around a lot and changed schools often, just being a part of something involving a group of girls made me giddy with excitement. The whole experience was confusing, but one thing stands out: It was revealed to me that Lisa was not eating. On purpose. I remember first thinking “why?,” which quickly became “how?”

My perfectly normal sized 15 or 16 year old self at Lake Lanier in Georgia.

My perfectly normal sized 15 or 16 year old self at Lake Lanier in Georgia.

When I was 14, Lisa lived in the neighborhood adjacent to the subsidized housing where I lived. I loved hanging out at Lisa’s house; it was beautiful and so was she. We enjoyed looking at fashion magazines, chewing lots of gum and taking endless walks around the neighborhood. My memory wants to give her credit as the person who first clued me into fidgeting as a way to burn extra calories throughout the day, but who knows at this point? I’ve been doing it for so long, I can’t even remember when it started. Continue Reading →

October 29, 2013
by mandemonious

How I learned to stop worrying and love my body…despite my lack of a “thigh-gap”

Content Note: dieting, restricting, distorted body image, body shaming language.

So – What’s my story, anyway?

Do I really love my body?

Let’s just say: I’m a work in progress, but I AM progressing. Have I reached my “ideal” body weight, whatever that is? No. Did I lose my belly pooch? Nope, it’s actually grown a bit. Do I have a “thigh-gap?” Not even close! Then how the hell can I be so damned happy? It’s not a simple or short story, so let’s just start at the beginning and see how far we get today. Likely, this will become a series of posts as I piece the whole thing together.

Tumblr: Finally getting serious about 'thinspo' and eating disorders.

Tumblr: Finally getting serious about ‘thinspo’ and eating disorders.

When I was about 10 years old, before the internet came along, my aunt told me that perfect legs have three triangles: one that extends from the top of the ankles up to the bottom of the calf muscle, one that goes from the top of the calf muscle to the bottom of knee, and one at the top of the thighs, just below the pubic area. She stood up and demonstrated her “perfectly” shaped legs. My young body was just beginning to develop the curves that would come to define my adult body, yet I only had the two lower triangles. Where was the top one that is now the highly sought after “thigh gap” of Tumblr and Pinterest fame?

Lacking any developed critical thinking skills, my 10-year-old mind decided that my thighs must be imperfect and that I needed to “fix” them.

Continue Reading →

October 18, 2013
by mandemonious

And so it begins…

Simultaneous joy and anxiety of standing at a new precipice

Simultaneous joy and anxiety of standing on a new precipice

Welcome to my new blog, a new adventure for me to share nuggets of wisdom that are in various stages of polishing. I’ve spent my life in my head, trying to figure it out and how I fit into this great cosmic mix of things. My main takeaway so far is that I have so very much yet to learn.

I carry a great passion within me to soothe the pain and mend the wounds that myself and so many others carry. Much of this comes from my own lived experience as a woman from a working class background, with both of these pieces of my identity weighing heavily on my own analysis and perception. As such, my writings often carry feminist themes and are woven with colorful language that some may find offensive. That is not my intent. This is my art and I choose to express it in the way that best suits me. Continue Reading →